Statistics say that an absent father is detrimental to the spiritual legacy of a family. As the head of the home, a mans role is integral to the success of the family. However, this reality does not diminish the crucial piece that women contribute to the family dynamic and structure.
The epidemic of fatherless households have crippled society at large in many aspects, as culture drifts further away from the picture of marriage and family that God has painted. It is undeniable that young men and women need their fathers. They need his leadership, protection, and all the other qualities that a good and loving father brings to the table.
Common parenting advice given to men with daughters is to reinforce her value over and over again so that she does not run off with the first guy in her life that says she is valuable. Her response should be, “Yes I know that I am valuable…. And?”
And many times, the young women who run off into promiscuity or are easily deceived into and then later contribute to dysfunctional relationships are said by onlookers to have “Daddy issues”.
So we certainly have heard of Daddy issues, and they are alive and well today but I would like to introduce you to what I’m calling Mama Trauma.
Now lets take this principle of the importance of fatherhood and motherhood and apply it to the body of Christ in the big picture sense. I believe a man would be better fit to address the men in regard to male leadership in the church, so for now I would like to explore the importance of female influence and how this fits into the Titus 2 mentorship model.
As a younger millennial, many ladies of my generation in the church have expressed similar thoughts regarding the mentoring and discipleship expressed in Titus 2. Why is this for the most part, largely not happening in most congregations across America? Why does it seem like the older women are isolated in their own group, and the younger women are isolated in their own groups as well? Life groups and bible studies seem to be for the most part sorted into these two categories with not much intermingling happening. The result is what seems to be a large neglect of the Titus 2 principles that are given to women as a blessing and for edification.
There seems to be lots of fingers pointing in every direction when it comes to the want to understand why exactly this is happening. Here are somethings I have actually heard said from different women in the body of Christ.
The younger women say:
Why are there hardly and older women teaching younger women? Are they shirking their Titus 2 responsibility? Just because a woman is older, doesn't necessarily mean she is Godly and is someone I want to be mentored by!
The older women say:
Well are the younger women willing to have a teachable spirit? It’s true, I may have mentally “checked out” from any duties that may resemble mothering because I “did my time” already! I raised my kids! It’s not my responsibility to mother another woman’s daughter. Let’s slow down and address all of these concerns one by one.
First lets start with the younger ladies’ concerns.
1. Why are there hardly and older women teaching younger women? Are they shirking their Titus 2 responsibility?
First lets assess the truthfulness of this question. The word “hardly” is certainly subjective, and to take it further an insinuate that there are no older women mentoring younger women in the Titus 2 way is in my opinion unfair and untrue. I can honestly count on one hadn’t the number of godly women I know that fit the example of Titus 2 women.
With that being said, I can understand where this concern is coming from, especially depending upon the local congregation that you fellowship at. But instead of pointing fingers, I would suggest this reflection question for you. Have you ever found a godly older woman who you want to be taught by and approached her? I can give this recommendation because I have actually done this before. There was one sweet lady who caught my attention at church because of how Christ shined so brightly through her and how her life was full of the Fruit of the Spirit. I eventually asked her if she would mentor me, and she said yes! That woman picked out a book and we went through it together and it was extremely edifying and encouraging for me.
Let’s now look more closely at the second point brought up by younger women:
2. Just because a woman is older, doesn't necessarily mean she is Godly and is someone I want to be mentored by!
To this I have to say fair point. Not every women who is older in age than you qualifies them to be a spiritual mentor in your life. However, this reality does not then exempt you from any and all mentorship possibilities. As I mentioned in my response above to point number one, it is out responsibility to be walking close with God and praying for discernment when it comes to these matters. We certainly should not pick any random lady who may have questionable theology and even more questionable behavior to be our mentor simply because she’s older than us. This is where discernment and prayer comes in. When you think about how Titus 2 describes the older women, who comes to mind for you? It may be one woman, or maybe you are blessed enough to have a few come to mind. A good mentor would fit the following characteristics as described in Titus 2: “reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” Another great test would be to look at the fruit of the spirit. Can you see the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in her life? If you can see Christ shining through her in the different aspects of her life, consider this a good indication of qualification of someone who can speak into your life.
Lets now look at the points brought up by the older women regarding this matter.
1. Well are the younger women willing to have a teachable spirit?
I must say to this, fair point! It seems to be a less common characteristic of modern
generations of women to have a truly teachable spirit, but God is softening many young ladies’ hearts. I can promise you this, there are young ladies out there who like Timothy are hungry for direction and teaching about godly living. We must also keep in mind that the modern programming has walked away from the subliminal feminist propaganda and has instead become incredibly overt. These lies teach young women that they are fully capable in themselves, and do not need any advice from “outdated” worldviews.
To the older women reading this, your testimony and stories of how God has been with you through life can impact these young women more than you could ever know. You are still here on this earth because God has a use for you to build His kingdom for His glory.
2. It’s true, I may have mentally “checked out” from any duties that may resemble mothering because I “did my time” already! I raised my kids! It’s not my responsibility to mother another woman’s daughter.
First I must say that yes, I have actually heard this said before! And this is finally where Mama trauma comes in to the conversation! Please understand that many young women who attend your church may not have been raised in a Christian home. I can say this with confidence because I certainly am one of those women. I had zero positive spiritual influence in my life from my mother and therefore I deeply cherish what godly women say to me in regards to navigating life. Their wisdom and impact in my life is truly seen as gold and rubies in my eyes!
For the women like me who have “Mama Trauma”, it is natural for us to desire mentorship from a godly woman who can restore this type of relationship that we never had. Many women like me had the “oil and water” dynamic with our biological mothers, and had many years of clashing and dysfunction. After being born again this clashing has ceased for the most part, but I know now that if I am seeing true wisdom from an older woman, I am to find that within the body of Christ.
Even if the women in your church have godly mothers, you can still greatly impact them in mentorship. I am a mother myself, and sometimes it takes another lady other than me to tell my oldest daughter the same thing I already said for her to accept it. If you’re a mom, then you know what I’m talking about! Sometimes it takes someone else to reaffirm the guidance that their own parents instilled in them, and gives them a new perspective to take that direction from.
In conclusion I want this open letter to encourage younger women and older women alike to pursue godly relationships that can can build up the body of Christ in great ways. The mentorship and nurturing that women can pass down to future generations can be so healing and cause positive ricocheting impact for many generations to come. Just as the absence of fatherhood is detrimental to young boys and girls, so to is the absence of motherhood and the presence of godly women for the younger women in the body of Christ. Older generations can pour a special type of wisdom that only experience can bring to the young ladies, and many times as well the younger women can encourage and bring joy to the older women’s lives as well. I urge the Younger women like me to pray for humility of spirit and to have a teachable spirit and be able to take correction and guidance with grace and kindness. I pray that the older women would be willing to mentor younger women, and that they would guide them in truth and wisdom according to God’s Word.
We know that God has instilled blessings in the Titus 2 mentorships, and that He intends good for the framework He has laid out therein. In closing, may I leave us with the following verses to think on in regards to this matter:
Proverbs 2:6 “For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding."
Proverbs 3:13-14: “Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold."